The Book of Brandi

I’m doing dumb things.

All the time.  A moment or two ago, I had to call a friend and ask her what website my blog was on because I honestly didn’t know.  I’m not sure how long it will take me to live that down, but it’s a drop in the bucket.  Putting Little Man in the car while still wearing my pajamas, forgetting BIG things at work- it’s amazing I know how to spell my name.  

Wait..

Yep. We’re good there, barely. 

I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m a little frightened.  I believe, perhaps, it is stress.  I am at a point where all the cracks in the ice around me have converged and I’m facing one big giant Looney Tunes sized hole.  This morning, I woke up to a text from our Engineer and we were having a major issue at work because I simply left without doing my job.  Not on purpose, but that doesn’t change the fact that it happened.  I told him there’s no way I’d not done what I needed to do, because I do it every day.  Then I realized he was right. I’d not done it. He was up from around 12a-1a trying to fix my mistake.  

I can handle panic when I’m able to put my hands on it and fix it.  However, when someone else has to step up to make up for my own shortcomings, it makes me miserable.  I take a lot of pride in doing my job, even if it’s not something I want to do long. I like doing a good job…and I didn’t.  Worse, someone else had to make up for it.  That hurts.  So I did the only reasonable thing.  I got LM in the car and took him to school.  My LEO met me there to take LM in, and saw that I was simply falling apart. When he came out, he stood at my window and I just unloaded about everything.  Work (eh), Siren stress (though I love it), Bellicus stress ( his company that I basically do most of the planning for, and though I also love it- it kills me some days) and Church obligations (I love them too).  Just because we LOVE something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t cause weight on our shoulders.  With all of the above keeping me busy, trying to spend time with the family and finding time to get a shower or two- I’m left with little sanity.  

I also applied for an LE position with my husband’s department and am praying for my first POPS test at the end of the month.  I have my doubts about being ready, but I did do 28 minutes worth of wall balls and burpees last night at Crossfit… so I’m off to a good start.   The thought of leaving my family for 18 weeks makes me a whole lot of homesick. My LEO is in the process of recruiting under KSP, and that academy starts in August.  All of this is commandeering my brain. 

When I finally left the LEO from our daycare therapy session, the struggle with other issues at work continued.  I’ve faced a lot of stress before, but I was always able to show myself that I was making progress or how, in some way, it was rewarding to handle it.  I can’t say the same thing in my current place.  You know what’s awesome, though? Seeing how God has put His presence in this office in the last few weeks.  

I had the blessing of witnessing to a sweet sister of mine a couple of weeks ago.  She came to Christ the following day, was baptized Sunday before last and has held me accountable a time or two since.  I’m so proud of and for her. The next Monday, a prayer group was started in our building.  

Then, that burden was gone.  I’d ached for her for so many weeks and then my immediate mission was complete.  Of course there’s work to be done because there’s growth to be had.  But that’s an ongoing, lifelong process.  Have I done what I’m supposed to do? Is my time ending in my current place? 

Chapters are so intricately, yet roughly, closed. Are they not? I’ve never ended something in my life with a soft landing.  It’s always been a torn edge. 

I thought today as I was getting ready and praying for God to place His hand on my day (because what I didn’t need it to do was follow the path of my morning).  If my life were written as a book in the Bible, what would people read and think about me? I shuddered. Physically. It makes my skin crawl to think about being that transparent with the world.  

“Why does she keep making the same mistakes over and over?  Doesn’t she know what God is doing? She’s been spoken to so many times and, yet, she still questioned Him?”

It’s the same things I’ve said while reading about the Israelites.  They got MANNA! FROM HEAVEN!! And, yet, they’re praying to whatever they can conjure up? The Spirit of God went before them and fought their battles, but they’re complaining and acting like they never knew God existed?  It goes on and on.  

Oh, how guilty I am of the same!!!!! So many one-on-one experiences with the Maker and, yet, I forget all He’s done.  I freak out about stupid, trivial cracks in the ice when my God walks on water.  Like Moses, my God goes before me and fights my battles. I need only rest. 

But KNOWING and ACCEPTING are two very different things.  I’m working on it.  If God were through with me, I’d no longer be here. I do accept that.  

I need a nap, perhaps.  

Need a smile? There’s always this

-Brandi

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