Diving In

I had no idea what to title this post. I’m hoping, by the time I end it, I’ll have a clue. Probably not, because it will be quite scattered.  I’ve started to read my new Beth Moore study that the hubs picked up for me.  She says in her introduction that, normally, introductions are written last to make the whole thing seem intentional.  Or something.  I get that.  Sometimes, like today, I don’t have any idea where my posts will end up.  Sometimes, they’re on purpose. 

Actually, that’s on a long list of things I don’t know right now.  I mean, generally that’s an excessive list anyway, but here lately it’s REALLY long.  I mean- let’s recap.  

In the past 12 months:

  • We’re pregnant/we’re not pregnant
  • Don’t run an organization/now runs an organization
  • Not a business owner/business owner/still work full time elsewhere
  • I may have cancer/I (praise God)don’t have cancer/we think you’ll probably have cancer in the future
  • My insides won’t stop coming out/we have no idea why this is happening/let’s medicate the snot out of you until it stops/did someone mention blood transfusion? Uh…let’s pretend this never happened
  • Hubs gets new job/hubs quits new job/hubs has no job
  • Daycare/kindergarten

 None of these things are bad.  Really. Even the cancer thing turned out to be ok for now.  It’s just been a heavy year. It seems like everything with which I was complacent, even my own body, has been shook to the core and completely rearranged.  I have reached a point where I’m not sure gravity will be in effect tomorrow.  I make no promises, because the answer is “I don’t know.”

I feel like Moses. I’m comfortable here, and this bush wants me to what? Completely uproot my life and wander until I get to where I’m supposed to go?  Are you kidding me? What happened to what I had? Why can’t we just build on that?

I’ve come to the conclusion, by being given spiritual-crayons-and-construction-paper sort of insight, that this is a time of transition. Ok, I get that. My devotional today stated, “…you won’t be able to do anything God has purposed you to do while standing in your old familiar place.”
 
Police Wives of Kentucky has picked up tremendously.  I’ve been shown so much need and opportunity that I am, frankly, overwhelmed.  Praise God I have some amazing help, now, and I am so excited to put more focus there.  In fact, maybe a lot more.  I put in a semi-notice at work today.  With all the hubbub of everything, I took a self inventory.  Where am I in my life? What do I want to be doing? What am I doing to get there? 
 
I’m sitting in an office in a job for which I’m thankful and it pays the bills, but I want to be nearly done with my degree and on my way to a career that fulfills the part of me that I feel lead to accomplish.  However, I can want for a million years and be complacently waiting…for nothing.  So, this week I applied to go back to school!! I also made a realllyyy long post to our local news station and explained my thoughts about their approach to law enforcement.  This garnered some very positive support from the surrounding area, and we have lunch coming up with a Sheriff from a county I’d have never thought about moving to.  I told my boss today that I’m not quitting in the next two weeks, but that I do know that there is change coming for us.  That’s all I know.  No timetable…yet. 

I’m ready. I’m opening my hands and letting go.  I’m taking a deep breath and diving in (oh look! My title!)!

-Brandi

It’s Friday, Friday…

Ok, actually it’s Sunday… but I  think you’ll understand why this was a little late.

We packed up to go to Illinois to spend time with family Friday due to my hubby’s grandmother’s passing. Before we could leave, he had to change my oil which resulted in him being stung by a wasp. Apparently, as we subsequently learned, he is very allergic to wasp stings. So, we flew to the ER as he grabbed his chest and began losing the ability to breathe. We were met by 2 wonderful members of our LE family at the ER door. After some meds, a breathing treatment and a sweet visit from another member of our LE family, we were on our way.

Or not.

My car started sputtering and then wouldn’t start at all. My uncle came to help us. The officer who came to visit didn’t leave, retrieved jacks and brought water while my uncle and (a still drugged) hubs tried to fix the problem to no avail.

The officer called a wrecker for us, and my car was towed. The verdict looked to be a very expensive and laborious fuel pump.

I got in the wrecker and the poor guy sincerely felt bad for us. For some reason, I felt the need to tell him the entire story of just…everything.  He listened and happened to know someone who might be a huge help maybe get my husband the job he’s wanting so badly. How crazy that of all the people who could have picked me up- it was this guy???  It was ridiculously random and, yet, maybe not at all random.

Here’s why I was praising God that night:

I got paid. I have an uncle that can fix my car and dropped everything to be there ASAP, and an aunt who helped with the towing. We weren’t far from home when it happened. My car didn’t break down until AFTER we got to the hospital and maybe saved the hubs from a much worse experience (he’s ok!). We have LE family that cared enough to be with us immediately, and stick around until it was over. I have friends who dropped by to check on us. We are loved. It wasn’t a wreck. The wrecker driver knows someone to help him with THE job he wants!!! I got to eat McDonald’s and break my month long soda fast. I camped out at mama’s and little man wasn’t with us because he was with her.

Saturday morning I got a phone call saying my car was FIXED. We thought they were going to have to do some major work, and it turned out to be a simple push of the fuel…something…inertia..something or other button. Google it, and put it on your “things to try when my car decides to nope” list.  We made it to Illinois just fine, got to see some family and now…

…we’re gearing up for Kindergarten.

I can’t even talk about that right now.  Just…no.  It’s noon and the boys want breakfast-y things.  

xoxo

B

 

Reboot

I can remember in 2008, watching as he’d get the letter saying it wasn’t his time.  Someone was certified, someone was more qualified, someone knew someone- whatever. It wasn’t his time to go to DOCJT.  I can remember “the look”, every time, and the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as he’d throw it away.  Why on Earth they didn’t understand how ridiculously awesome he would be at being an officer was beyond me.

FINALLY, in a bit of an unorthodox way, he found his place at his PD.  DOCJT came and went. I was super pregnant. Life moved on daily, until it abruptly ceased to go according to plan. Feelings were hurt, disappointment was experienced, growth occurred and, now, resilience is seen.

As I find myself in the same 2008-esque position all over again, I am comparably less full of anxiety.  I am so glad to see the swift action of answered prayers, because they don’t always happen that way.

So, here we go! Rather than being nervous, I am beyond excited.  We were given an amazing tip by a friend and, in the past few days, have made some great connections with new folks.  I have never felt more optimistic about it all. However, I have a really hard time stepping aside and letting things play out. I want to have my hand in it, have a full report and be immediately aware of things as they change/occur.  It’s been incredibly difficult to adjust to the occasional “do nothing” whisper.  Doing nothing, however, allows for vindication, positive change and room for hearts to be untangled.  What a beautiful thing! A really hard concept, but a beautiful thing.  I’m working on it.

At some point, I’ve realized in the past 3 days, it’s time to stop beating on doors and just follow the One who built the hallway

 

vcvc

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo (xo)

Brandi

Anywhere

My poem from http://storybird.com/poetry/poem/6jz77xp5ff/.  This site is awfully fun, because of its limitations. 🙂

Brandi

Game Over, pt 2.

As promised, here’s the rest of my last post.

As I sat at work this afternoon, doing the normal daily tasks, I was struck so violently by a thought that I literally dropped what I was doing.

I’ve had internal dialogue that has never found resolution regarding God’s plan vs. free will.  Why is it, when we feel we are so certain of something, we sometimes see it completely become derailed? Is it still God’s original plan? Did it change? Certainly not, because obviously nothing is truly unforeseen by Him.

And that’s when it happened.  All I could think about was a stream, and how there is a beginning and (somewhere) an end.  Some are certainly longer, and rockier, than others.  If you put a stone in the middle of the stream or a big stick… or anything, I guess… it will alter the course.  Does it change where it’s going? No! The stream adapts, and continues to move on to the same place it was headed before you got there.

Also, a sweet friend made mention to me of a parable that had been told to her.  A little ironic, considering what was going through my head above.  She said if you take a stone, no matter how rough, and put it in a river- it will eventually smooth out its surface to be polished.  What an amazing reflection of life. The river keeps on going, regardless of what the stone is doing. Someday, I’ll be polished.  Today is not that day.

My earlier post was a reflection of those rough edges, at the time I found them.  Indeed, I waited until I could function rationally before putting them down- but it was an honest confession. Here’s the deep nerve of the whole thing: I am, in my conscious/rational mind, not that person… but at that moment, I was. Do you know what that means? It means I am, in fact, that person.  Somewhere in my roots, it exists and that’s an ugly thing. They are my demons and I have no fear of calling them by name.  Apparently, that can be misunderstood and translated into something else entirely. It can also help others who weren’t capable of expressing their own frustrations.  I have found an exceptional appreciation, and am thankful, for both. If I wrote what was easy, or what was pretty, then I’d never grow.

I never write with proverbial makeup on. 

I’ve spent two days helping to introduce my LEO to folks who can possibly get him a job.  I’m so blessed that PWoK has allowed me those connections.  While not at all what I intended them for, it is an amazing blessing. My hope is that rebuilding means higher towers, stronger steel and a more solid foundation.  My peace lies in knowing, regardless of our decisions, it won’t change the final floor plan. I also heard a funny story about a guy in sunglasses who… well… never mind. I think that’s his own story to tell… but there are just some things that should be left at home.

“Observe all men; thy self most.” -Benjamin Franklin

“If most of us remain ignorant of ourselves, it is because self-knowledge is painful and we prefer the pleasures of illusion.” -Aldous Huxley

It is no use to blame the looking glass if your face is awry.” -Nikolai Gogol

With so much love,

Brandi

Game Over.

My LEO left Wednesday morning for the academy.  Our prayers had been answered, we would finally be in a place to be able to pay our bills without constantly wondering if we could really afford groceries too and he would be doing something he loved.  Also, I’d finally be able to leave my job and pursue my own LE career.

That evening, around 9:30, he called.

“I failed the PT. I’m out.”
“No…NO! Fix it! Please!”
“I can’t. I can’t do it. I’m on my way home.”

I was under the impression that, since he’d failed they had dismissed him.  Crying, I made a phone call or two and found out this was not the case.  He hadn’t failed a PT and had to leave.  He had voluntarily resigned.

I cannot begin to describe to you the anger I succumbed to at that very moment.  The most horrible words, hate and evil I have ever felt took over my entire being.  Honestly, I’m still dealing with it and am not completely recovered from what I can only describe as the closest I have ever come to being possessed.  There was no holiness in my thoughts or actions. It was pure, unadulterated, carnal anger. The embers of such have not completely died.

I’m stuck at my job. Our bills will not be met.He now has no income.
We have no insurance.  He quit without consulting me. He did not think about the reprocussions beyond the end of his nose.
He failed far more than the academy.  
He failed our family.

I nearly met my brink and shut down PWoK (which was not in itself the problem but, in that moment where you break, simplification is pretty much a default response) that night. After all, I was no longer a police wife at that moment and my heart was broken.  I was thoroughly embarrassed by his shortcoming after all the strings everyone had pulled to put him in the position to go.  Everyone, given his military time and competence, was floored.  

In regards to PWoK, I immediately felt it was all futile.  Was anything we’re doing really serving anyone? I’m constantly trying to bang drums and hang up neon signs to make any progress. I have a 4 year old, a family, a full time job and a business to run on my own. It’s a whole lot of work that meets a lot more resistance.

Yesterday, however, a local department we’ve helped in the past gave my family a $400 check to help make ends meet. I fell apart and finally broke. That was when I realized that this community does make a difference and that we are doing good that needs to be done. The people who help are the ones that should be helping, and those that are helped are the ones that need helping. Period.

I saw this quote today on the Kid President site, and I wanted to share it with you. I hope you can find some way to apply it to your life today and tomorrow…then make it a habit every day.

“If you want to be a worldchanger for people everywhere – be a daymaker to the people next to you.” -Kid President

I still have a lot of settling to do in my heart.  I’ve come to some other points of clarity this morning as I’ve stopped raging as much and given myself an opportunity to listen.  I’ll share those in my next post.

Prayers needed.

xoxo

And, so it begins.

I’ve seen him board the bus for Iraq. I’ve seen him leave for DOCJT.  I’ve stared at cold dinners, and waited for hours after his shift was supposed to end for a phone call.  I’ve rescheduled holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.  I don’t know the definition of a real vacation.  I managed to be without him after my c-section, and have a newborn while he was on midnights.  I’ve answered “Where’s daddy?” on many occasions, and I’ve become quite patient with the “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it” texts. 

Oh, Lois Lane. Girl, I feel you.  If anyone can empathize with the relief of hearing boots on the floor, the jingle of his keys while your head is on your pillow (although, I guess the Man of Steel didn’t need car keys. House keys perhaps?), the welcome smell of a day’s uniform (no matter how gross) or the antagonizing “what ifs” that haunt your thoughts every minute- it’s a police wife. If anyone knows what it’s like to wait for Superman- I do. 

And now, he’s off again.  22 weeks I’ll wait while he endures some of the most physical, mind testing challenges with which he’s ever dealt. I am so proud of his successes as an officer, and look forward to cutting out more articles, printing news releases and collecting artifacts from his days ahead.  

Today, he’s a cadet with Class 92 of the Kentucky State Police. He has not yet earned the right to say he’s a Trooper, but I’ve seen God’s hand holding this process and have all faith in His plan.   

I told Little Man that daddy was going to school.  It’s great timing, since he begins kindergarten on the 19th.  Everyone starts school together, and will be able to share many firsts with one another.  Little Man has always been so wonderful when it comes to adjusting to whatever flow we’re on that week. I pray this is a characteristic he maintains throughout his life. 

Prayers are appreciated for the days ahead. 

Bucket List #54

I have, on my bucket list, an item that says I want to play in Nashville on a street corner- and buy dinner with whatever money I earn.

I have a new goal. I’d like to buy dinner for a man like this instead.  Luckily, I have some friends who felt the same way, so we are planning a trip for next Saturday!! I am SO excited!!

Here’s the video that inspired the whole idea:
http://sfglobe.com/?id=2098&src=share_fb_new_2098

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