Game Over, pt 2.

As promised, here’s the rest of my last post.

As I sat at work this afternoon, doing the normal daily tasks, I was struck so violently by a thought that I literally dropped what I was doing.

I’ve had internal dialogue that has never found resolution regarding God’s plan vs. free will.  Why is it, when we feel we are so certain of something, we sometimes see it completely become derailed? Is it still God’s original plan? Did it change? Certainly not, because obviously nothing is truly unforeseen by Him.

And that’s when it happened.  All I could think about was a stream, and how there is a beginning and (somewhere) an end.  Some are certainly longer, and rockier, than others.  If you put a stone in the middle of the stream or a big stick… or anything, I guess… it will alter the course.  Does it change where it’s going? No! The stream adapts, and continues to move on to the same place it was headed before you got there.

Also, a sweet friend made mention to me of a parable that had been told to her.  A little ironic, considering what was going through my head above.  She said if you take a stone, no matter how rough, and put it in a river- it will eventually smooth out its surface to be polished.  What an amazing reflection of life. The river keeps on going, regardless of what the stone is doing. Someday, I’ll be polished.  Today is not that day.

My earlier post was a reflection of those rough edges, at the time I found them.  Indeed, I waited until I could function rationally before putting them down- but it was an honest confession. Here’s the deep nerve of the whole thing: I am, in my conscious/rational mind, not that person… but at that moment, I was. Do you know what that means? It means I am, in fact, that person.  Somewhere in my roots, it exists and that’s an ugly thing. They are my demons and I have no fear of calling them by name.  Apparently, that can be misunderstood and translated into something else entirely. It can also help others who weren’t capable of expressing their own frustrations.  I have found an exceptional appreciation, and am thankful, for both. If I wrote what was easy, or what was pretty, then I’d never grow.

I never write with proverbial makeup on. 

I’ve spent two days helping to introduce my LEO to folks who can possibly get him a job.  I’m so blessed that PWoK has allowed me those connections.  While not at all what I intended them for, it is an amazing blessing. My hope is that rebuilding means higher towers, stronger steel and a more solid foundation.  My peace lies in knowing, regardless of our decisions, it won’t change the final floor plan. I also heard a funny story about a guy in sunglasses who… well… never mind. I think that’s his own story to tell… but there are just some things that should be left at home.

“Observe all men; thy self most.” -Benjamin Franklin

“If most of us remain ignorant of ourselves, it is because self-knowledge is painful and we prefer the pleasures of illusion.” -Aldous Huxley

It is no use to blame the looking glass if your face is awry.” -Nikolai Gogol

With so much love,

Brandi

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