Game Over.

My LEO left Wednesday morning for the academy.  Our prayers had been answered, we would finally be in a place to be able to pay our bills without constantly wondering if we could really afford groceries too and he would be doing something he loved.  Also, I’d finally be able to leave my job and pursue my own LE career.

That evening, around 9:30, he called.

“I failed the PT. I’m out.”
“No…NO! Fix it! Please!”
“I can’t. I can’t do it. I’m on my way home.”

I was under the impression that, since he’d failed they had dismissed him.  Crying, I made a phone call or two and found out this was not the case.  He hadn’t failed a PT and had to leave.  He had voluntarily resigned.

I cannot begin to describe to you the anger I succumbed to at that very moment.  The most horrible words, hate and evil I have ever felt took over my entire being.  Honestly, I’m still dealing with it and am not completely recovered from what I can only describe as the closest I have ever come to being possessed.  There was no holiness in my thoughts or actions. It was pure, unadulterated, carnal anger. The embers of such have not completely died.

I’m stuck at my job. Our bills will not be met.He now has no income.
We have no insurance.  He quit without consulting me. He did not think about the reprocussions beyond the end of his nose.
He failed far more than the academy.  
He failed our family.

I nearly met my brink and shut down PWoK (which was not in itself the problem but, in that moment where you break, simplification is pretty much a default response) that night. After all, I was no longer a police wife at that moment and my heart was broken.  I was thoroughly embarrassed by his shortcoming after all the strings everyone had pulled to put him in the position to go.  Everyone, given his military time and competence, was floored.  

In regards to PWoK, I immediately felt it was all futile.  Was anything we’re doing really serving anyone? I’m constantly trying to bang drums and hang up neon signs to make any progress. I have a 4 year old, a family, a full time job and a business to run on my own. It’s a whole lot of work that meets a lot more resistance.

Yesterday, however, a local department we’ve helped in the past gave my family a $400 check to help make ends meet. I fell apart and finally broke. That was when I realized that this community does make a difference and that we are doing good that needs to be done. The people who help are the ones that should be helping, and those that are helped are the ones that need helping. Period.

I saw this quote today on the Kid President site, and I wanted to share it with you. I hope you can find some way to apply it to your life today and tomorrow…then make it a habit every day.

“If you want to be a worldchanger for people everywhere – be a daymaker to the people next to you.” -Kid President

I still have a lot of settling to do in my heart.  I’ve come to some other points of clarity this morning as I’ve stopped raging as much and given myself an opportunity to listen.  I’ll share those in my next post.

Prayers needed.

xoxo

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