What good is praying for rain, if you don’t carry an umbrella?

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24

“Look.  I understand You have Your timing.  I understand there’s a purpose to this storm. I even get the fact that it’s all under control.  All I’m saying is, if we’re going to wait- does it have to be a silent waiting period? Do I have to feel like You’re holding out? Can I not just get SOME sort of idea of what’s going on? What we need is some hope, and a sign that You’re still working on it.  I feel like You’re telling me to rest, but what I feel is stagnation.  Just…….something. Please?”

I probably look like a maniac in my car.  I do a lot of out-loud praying there, and maybe folks just assume I’m singing to the radio. I don’t know.  I cry a lot, too, during these Drive and Talks…so probably not.  This particular conversation happened at least a week ago.  My LEO is still not working and, yet, we’ve managed to make ends meet.  No one is starving in our house, but we are seriously ready for that second income again.

I am so grateful for the nudge out of complacency, and excited about the next chapter. I have no doubt, after many nights of introspection, that this is exactly what needed to happen.  That need to turn the page, though, is nearly overwhelming.  I’m a “fly by the seat of my pants, instant gratification, let’s move” kinda girl.  Waiting is not my strong suit.

Today, I got a call that let me know we will hopefully be hearing about a job for him soon.  Soon, though, may be another month.  My heart sank.

“Really? MORE waiting? Can we not just get this show on the road? I have vacation time to schedule, there are bills to be paid,  holidays coming up, a business to run, promotions to plan, PWoK events to organize…”

And there it was.

All you asked for was hope, and to see I still had my hands on things.”

You can’t argue with that.

You just can’t.

So deep breath in, deep breath out.

Looking Glass

I really enjoy looking back through my old Myspace entries.  2007-2008 was a very dark time for me.  Very dark.  I like looking back at my honest thoughts, because they were so real without fear of judgement.  I feel some of my best writing came from those days.  I don’t share much of my creative writing, but I’ve always enjoyed this one.

Titled, as it was titled in the post.  Not really by piece.

Bored and thinking about then.

Current mood:contemplative

Sitting in his room

Sun shining through the window

Can’t remember when he got here

Doesn’t really matter though

He does know back in ’51

He married the love of his life

What he wouldn’t he give

To only relive that night

Instead of the damage

He saw in ’45

Or the drunken fights

When he wasn’t alive

In and out

The strangers come

Knowing his name

One by one

But he always meets them

For the first time

They pat his hand

and he says he’s doing fine

Doesn’t realize where he is

Or where the time has gone

Living in his own world

As he’s been doing for so long

She’s been gone for 30 years

They don’t have the heart to say

And he’ll never realize

The cancer took her away

Because today is yesterday

And tomorrow will be last year

And next week he will be 18

Reliving his greatest fear

In and out

The strangers come

Knowing his name

One by one

But he always meets them

For the first time

They pat his hand

and he says he’s doing fine

Doesn’t realize where he is

Or where the time has gone

Living in his own world

As he’s been doing for so long

Never a familiar face

All he has is the past

Hanging on to long ago

And never wants to ask

But tonight she waits for him

To take him on his way

Back to 1951

No more waiting, no more pain

In and out

The strangers come

Knowing his name

One by one

He’s not there to meet them

But for the first time

They pat his hand

and say he’s doing fine

They know-

He’s finally just fine.

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